We all have moments that change the game and define who we are as people. Mine came when I was 10. I traveled to the Bahamas with my mother and her work colleague – a business trip for them, but for me, it was my awakening.
They were having one of those “hey, we’re all women here” conversations that always makes me shudder. This one involved my mother describing to this other woman what to expect in the first few weeks of pregnancy. I won’t go into details now, but those details still haunt me.
I needed air. Badly. So of course I went to throw spit balls over the balcony.
Being the rambunctious kid that I was, I leaned over the railing to see the damage. Instead of the screaming crowds below which I had anticipated, I saw directly onto the balcony below me. It took me a few minutes to adjust my eyes, but I ended up recognizing what I was looking at. Two men, one standing and one on his knees. I couldn’t see the face of the kneeling man, but the one standing had his head tilted up toward me with his eyes closed. Another few moments passed. Feeling a bit uneasy and a lot unsure, I went back into the bedroom to silently muse on what I had witnessed.
I knew what people did in bed, the vanilla version. Person A lies on top of Person B, and then there was wiggling. I also knew enough to know that not everyone had the same preferences. But I’d always assumed that if there were two men, they would just hug and kiss. The geometry just didn’t make sense to me in any other way. But, hey, to each his own.
No, something else was bothering me. And I probably thought about it a bit longer than was necessary.
I think it was my silence that gave it away. My mother immediately wanted to know what was wrong. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what I saw. As she pressed, more of the story came out until her friend ran to the balcony and let out a squeal. At this point, pandemonium ensued. I don’t know what happened. My mother’s friend was laughing, doors were slamming downstairs, my mom was on the phone with the front desk.
In the madness, I walked back onto the balcony where I could be alone with my thoughts.
It still just didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t care about the sexual element of it, that part barely registered. No, I was confused as to why on earth they would do something like that in plain view. Why would people be intimate on a balcony where everyone could see them? Did they think they were alone in the universe? Didn’t they realize that by even being outside, the whole world was watching?
Then it dawned on me.
Slowly, my consciousness shifted and I became aware and hesitant. With a lump in my throat, I slowly turned my head upwards.
